Chris Jones: That'll do, Woody. Enjoy your Lunchables everybody. You, too, Ginger Clopper.

Chris Jones: Leander will be by with the presumably more entertaining Spain v. Portugal.

Chris Jones: Yes, thanks for joining us.

Jeff Carlisle: Folks, thanks for hanging in there with us today.

Chris Jones: Four of five South American teams advance to the quarterfinals.

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay now goes on to face the winner of Spain/Portugal. Although as you no doubt know, I like Spain in that match.

Jeff Carlisle: Cool as you like, Cardozo sent Kawashima the wrong way and slotted it home.

Chris Jones: Paraguay, 5-for-5 on PKs. Hard to beat that, Captain Obvious.

Chris Jones: Such a slow run-up, and then a perfect pass into the net.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL! PARAGUAY WINS!

Chris Jones: Japanese are on their knees.

Jeff Carlisle: 4-3 Paraguay. Cardozo is in line to be the hero.

Chris Jones: Very calm -- right down the middle.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Honda is up. Do or die.

Jeff Carlisle: Valdez goes high and down the middle. 4-2 Paraguay.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Now it's up to Valdez to take advantage.

Chris Jones: Consoled by teammates, but oh man.

Chris Jones: Oh no.

Chris Jones: Disaster!

Jeff Carlisle: OFF THE BAR!

Jeff Carlisle: Komano is up.

Jeff Carlisle: Riveros sends Kawashima the wrong way. 3-2 Paraguay.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Riveros is up for Paraguay.

Chris Jones: PKs might go forever, too...

Chris Jones: Villar went the right way, but too good of a shot.

Jeff Carlisle: Hasebe roofs it to Villar's right. 2-2

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Hasebe is up for Japan.

Chris Jones: Very close to a save.

Jeff Carlisle: 2-1 Paraguay. Barrios just stroked it in.

Chris Jones: Kawashima didn't miss that by much -- an inch or two. Wow.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Looks like Barrios is next.

Chris Jones: Villar goes the wrong way -- another very good penalty.

Jeff Carlisle: 1-1 after one round.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Endo is up for Japan.

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay leads 1-0. He went low to Kawashima's right. Well placed.

Chris Jones: Perfect penalty -- low, hard, near the post. Impossible to stop.

Jeff Carlisle: GOAL!

Jeff Carlisle: Barreto goes first.

ESPN Stats and Info: South American teams are 5-2 all-time in shootouts (all seven involved either Argentina or Brazil), while Asian teams are 1-0 (South Korea over Spain in 2002).

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay looks to have won it. Advantage Paraguay.

Jeff Carlisle: Coin flip to see who goes first. And the winner is...

Chris Jones: Entire crowd is on its feet -- for the first time today.

Chris Jones: Personally -- as a fan -- I love a shootout.

Jeff Carlisle: Hugs all around for Villar.

ESPN Stats and Info: The last time either side was in a penalty shootout was 2007, when Japan defeated Australia 4-3 on penalty kicks in the Asian Cup quarterfinals.

Chris Jones: For the keeper, Baggio, you dumb shooter.

Chris Jones: No chance for failure... Only a chance to be the hero.

Chris Jones: Ah, keeper heaven.

Chris Jones: Kawashima getting good lucks from his entire team.

Chris Jones: Security is lining the field.

Jeff Carlisle: I will backtrack on my Endo/Spain slaughter comment, and pick Paraguay to win.

Chris Jones: I think Japan has the advantage here, both shooting and in goal.

Chris Jones: The aria to this beautiful opera...

Chris Jones: All right, the first PK shootout of this World Cup.

Jeff Carlisle: Full time.

Jeff Carlisle: Yes penalty kicks, you are indeed.

Jeff Carlisle: Riveros has just been booked for hand ball. That seems to be the only way to get a yellow card in this game.

Chris Jones: Japan just cannot connect on passes.

Jeff Carlisle: Japan breaks free down the left wing, but the cross misses everyone in the box.

Jeff Carlisle: Portugal, you score only on North Koreans. I'm not impressed. Neither is Kim Jong Il.

Jeff Carlisle: Endo is booked for a foul on Vera. He will miss the slaughter against Spain.

Jeff Carlisle: Only eight minutes of tedium left.

Jeff Carlisle: Alcaraz gets whistled for fouling Okazaki and starts screaming at the ref, who is unmoved. Tanaka heads the ensuing free kick wide.

Chris Jones: I would put all of my faith in a man named Brock Wonders.

Jeff Carlisle: Valdez with a looping header that Kawashima claims easily.

Chris Jones: John Brewin next to me just pointed to a funny name on a linked in resume: Ginger Clopper. Can't stop laughing...

Jeff Carlisle: Yep. Cleared.

Jeff Carlisle: Free kick to Japan. You know the drill by now. Endo will survey the scene, and deliver a hopeful ball into the box.

Jeff Carlisle: And we're off.

Jeff Carlisle: Make that economics. Yes, I got paid for that typo, reh.

Jeff Carlisle: Clearly, reh is not a believer in trickle down economomics.

Jeff Carlisle: Now it's half-time.

Chris Jones: No, we get paid, reh -- a percentage of what subscribers pay for this service, plus... Oh, wait? What? Free?

You've got to be kidding me.

Jeff Carlisle: Just a little wishful thinking on my part.

Jeff Carlisle: Wait, sorry, not quite.

Jeff Carlisle: First half of extra time is done.

Jeff Carlisle: Villar juggles Endo's free kick momentarily and than claims it for good.

Jeff Carlisle: Crazy sequence. Cross falls in the box, and Tanaka clears the ball off Barreto's head and over the bar.

Chris Jones: Now that there is a game being played, sure.

Jeff Carlisle: Barrios clears the Japanese corner.

Chris Jones: Nakamura wasn't too far behind that one.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda with a bullet across the goalmouth, Villar punches away for a corner.

Jeff Carlisle: Free kick to Japan. Honda and Endo stand over the ball.

Jeff Carlisle: Maybe someone wants to win this game after all.

Chris Jones: That was action, wasn't it? Weird.

Chris Jones: Very good save by Kawashima. Came out aggressively.

Jeff Carlisle: Kawashima comes up big! He denies Valdez from point blank range after great work from Morel.

Chris Jones: At ease, soldiers.

Jeff Carlisle: Barrios with a great chance! Morel with a pinpoint cross that Barrios heads straight at the keeper.

Chris Jones: Jo Jo, ladies and gentlemen. You may fire when ready.

Jeff Carlisle: Santa Cruz off for Cardozo. Like for like, as Cardozo is another tall rangy striker.

Jeff Carlisle: Valdez shakes loose on the left wing, and that just makes a terrible choice to play the ball to Barreto with Barrios standing there wide open.

Jeff Carlisle: Okazaki with a header that was well wide.

Jeff Carlisle: A rare, slick build-up by Japan ends with Nakamura's shot deflected out for a corner.

Chris Jones: So you say, Jeff. So you say.

Jeff Carlisle: And here we go. Overtime has begun.

Chris Jones: I don't have to since I got my special dialing wand!

Jeff Carlisle: No, just terrified of Rico Clark.

Chris Jones: "Won" was wishful thinking.

Chris Jones: *one.

Chris Jones: I'm so glad I'm at the third won. History in the making!

ESPN Stats and Info: Only two Round of 16 games have ever finished scoreless (Switzerland-Ukraine in 2006 and Ireland-Romania in 1990).

Jeff Carlisle: Don't count on it, Chris.

Chris Jones: Honestly, I think both teams are just terrified of making a mistake, which means they've both played defensive, cluttered soccer. Which is disappointing, because both of these teams were very entertaining during the group stage. Hopefully they choose to use the extra time rather than play for penalties.

Jeff Carlisle: Japanese manager Takeshi Okada is giving his charges some advice, something along the lines of "Please score."

Jeff Carlisle: Full time. 0-0.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda is booked for hand ball.

Jeff Carlisle: Yes sir, I'm no Leander Fu-Schnickens.

Chris Jones: Dude, this game is terrible. There is nothing going on.

Jeff Carlisle: The ball falls near Tanaka, but it's just out of his reach.

Jeff Carlisle: Free kick to Japan. Endo sizes it up.

Jeff Carlisle: Three minutes of torture time.

Chris Jones: John Cena, I'm looking at you, fat man.

ESPN Stats and Info: There has never been a penalty shootout at the World Cup that did not involve a European side.

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay manager Gerardo Martino with an exasperated look on his face. Can't say I blame him.

Jeff Carlisle: Japan is finding some success getting wide, but Da Silva and Alcaraz have been winning everything in the box for Paraguay.

Chris Jones: And then I'm reminded of my place in the universe and give thanks for it.

Chris Jones: We were talking before about how sometimes these games surprise you and turn out to be some of the best of the tournament. Well, not so much.

Chris Jones: Yeah, Spain v. Portugal, or this. Not sure how I drew the short straw.

Chris Jones: I would rather they just declare this game a tie than play any extra time.

Jeff Carlisle: The magic spray works miracles again. Both are up.

Jeff Carlisle: Nagatomo with a great cross that Villar does well to punch away. Okugo clatters into Villar and both players are down.

Jeff Carlisle: Kengo Nakamura is on for Yuki Abe.

Jeff Carlisle: Morel with a wayward elbow to the head of Endo. He's up though.

Chris Jones: Awesome. Must find some.

Chris Jones: There you go, Justin P. Now go eat some Cheez-its.

Jeff Carlisle: Barreto tries his luck from distance, but Kawashima grabs it on one hop.

Chris Jones: Do they still make Big League Chew? I saw that candy cigarettes were finally banned last week.

Jeff Carlisle: The Jeff Jinx strikes again. Ortigoza is subbed out for Edgar Barreto.

Jeff Carlisle: Tanaka gets back at Kawashima by colliding with his ribs, resulting in a corner. Nothing comes of it though.

Chris Jones: Lunchables disagrees.

Jeff Carlisle: Oritgoza has really come into this game. He stops Honda's surging run down the right wing with a perfectly timed tackle.

Jeff Carlisle: And it's cleared.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda with a clever ball to Okazaki in the box, but his cross is blocked by Ortigoza. Corner to Japan. Endo to take it.

Chris Jones: No joke, we were talking about Underoos on the van ride over here.

Jeff Carlisle: This game is almost 70 minutes old, and I dont' see how penalties can be avoided.

Chris Jones: I was so innocent then. I had no idea.

Jeff Carlisle: Tanaka is back up.

Jeff Carlisle: Kawashima with almost a dreadful error. He fans completely on a free kick into the box. He then knees Tanaka in the face in the process. That looked painful.

Chris Jones: Do you guys remember those shoes that had pockets? Kangaroos or something? You could fit, like, a quarter in them. Most awesome shoe accessory until the Reebok Pump.

Jeff Carlisle: And that's Mr. Matsui's last contribution of the night. He's off for Okazaki.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda and Matsui both made good runs into the box, but Nagatomo overcooked his cross.

Jeff Carlisle: It's headed wide by Barrios.

Jeff Carlisle: Komano, the Japanese right back is starting to wear down. Valdez forces a corner.

Chris Jones: So I says, Five dollars? Getouttahereeeeee.

Jeff Carlisle: Tanaka's header goes wide. Looked like it took a deflection, but a goal kick is given.

Jeff Carlisle: Alcaraz concedes a corner...Endo to take it.

Chris Jones: Jorts.

Jeff Carlisle: And Chris wore his shorts on the only overcast day we've had in Pretoria since we've been here.

Chris Jones: So... I'm wearing shorts today. They have pockets in them.

Jeff Carlisle: Appropriate though.

Jeff Carlisle: Benitez off for Nelson Valdez. That's a strange one, as Benitez was just beginning to find space out on the left wing.

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay with a great chance! But Da Silva's header is hit straight at Kawashima.

Chris Jones: A stat!

Jeff Carlisle: Matsui is booked for handling the ball and then kicking it into the cheap seats. A bit harsh from Mr. De Bleeckere.

Chris Jones: The first-half match report is hilarious. They just handed out sheets up paper that are totally blank.

Jeff Carlisle: Morel's corner is easily cleared.

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay with a nice transition play, Vera feeds Benitez on the left wing, but Nakazawa's tackle is perfectly timed, to force a corner.

Jeff Carlisle: Matsui with a clever move to free himself, his cross is half-cleared to Nagatomo whose shot takes a fortunate deflection straight to Villar.

Chris Jones: There's never an excuse for poor punctuation, Jon.*

*resisted making period joke.

Jeff Carlisle: The vuvuzelas right behind the media tribune have increased their volumne. I'm beginning to feel homicidal.

Jeff Carlisle: Both teams have added to their repertoire of bad passes by dribbling into the shins of opposing defenders.

Chris Jones: I'm hoping I can get Spirited Away...

Jeff Carlisle: Ortigoza gets a clean look at goal and yet doesn't shoot. Pull the trigger son!

Chris Jones: I've slept eight hours of the last 60. I'm not well-rested. This game not helpzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Jeff Carlisle: The passing in the second half has been worse than in the first.

Chris Jones: TIMMMMMEHHHHH!

Jeff Carlisle: The ball has not been Mr. Tanaka's friend today.

Chris Jones: That was great, Vincent. Banglajeff just about killed me.

Jeff Carlisle: And we're off again.

Chris Jones: I'm so tired, I don't even know what this means.

ESPN Stats and Info: According to FIFA's MatchCast, Japan's 53% passing accuracy in the first half is the lowest percentage in a game in this tournament.

Chris Jones: No, I will be watching that game in a bar. Leander is in Cape Town, to Cover it Live!

Chris Jones: They are very good at set pieces, Bob.

Chris Jones: Reverse psychology works!

Jeff Carlisle: And for those curious about such things, Paraguay's was 64%.

ESPN Stats and Info: Looking now...

Jeff Carlisle: Statsie - Japanese passing accuracty was 52%. Is that a tournament low?

ESPN Stats and Info: Japan is 2-3-2 when tied at the half in World Cup play.

ESPN Stats and Info: Paraguay is just 1-4-3 at the World Cup when tied at halftime. The lone Paraguayan victory was against Nigeria in the 1998 group stage, when the teams were tied 1-1 at halftime and Paraguay scored two in the second half for the 3-1 win.

Chris Jones: Many, many more times. I like running jokes. They make new people feel like outsiders and bore veterans. It's win-win.

Jeff Carlisle: Tell it to Spain.

Jeff Carlisle: Only if the entire Spanish side is struck with malaria.

Chris Jones: Um, no.

Jeff Carlisle: South Africa's version of the Solid Gold Dancers (or Fly Girls) are strutting their stuff to Shakira. Oh the humanity!

Chris Jones: I'm going to sleep tomorrow, and then go on a safari on Thursday. That sounds pretty good to me.

Jeff Carlisle: Paraguay with a whopping 61-39 edge in possession, but they weren't all that dangerous with it.

Chris Jones: Says a man who clearly didn't watch England v. Algeria.

Jeff Carlisle: There's a woman with a sign saying "World Cup kisses for your team." Kiss her and you get to put another notch on her sign. No truth to the rumor that her name is Emily.

Chris Jones: Hey, they were the best team, easily. That's why I was upset about the goal as much as anything else. I'm an England fan, and that call just gave them another excuse not to fix the problems at their core. Development is a huge issue for England. They have nothing in the tank.

Chris Jones: Yes, not the greatest half of soccer I've half-watched while reading thousands of comments about Woody Harrelson.

Jeff Carlisle: And that's the half. I'd say Japan just shaded it in terms of chances, but both teams could stand to be a lot sharper.

Chris Jones: Agreed. I'm actually kind of ashamed of it. I knew it when I posted it, too. Should have trusted my instincts.

Chris Jones: Friendly volunteer just helped us fire up our replay TV. Have to say, the South Africans have been lovely.

Jeff Carlisle: One minute of stoppage time.

ESPN Stats and Info: No Asian side has ever beaten a South American side in World Cup play (0-12-2).

Chris Jones: I'm getting on in years, so I'm a big fan of Ben Guay.

Jeff Carlisle: This is one is easily cleared.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda beginning to get the better of Da Silva. He wins another free kick on the left wing. Endo standing over it.

Chris Jones: Very nice chest trap by Nagatomo there, who looks to have the build of an 11-year-old girl.

Chris Jones: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You miss the net, you have a zero percent chance of scoring.

Jeff Carlisle: Japan come close again. Great approach work by Japan sees Matsui set the table for Honda, but he slices his shot just wide.

Jeff Carlisle: The corner is cleared, and Paraguay tries to counter, but Barrios' touch fails him.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda and Endo standing over the ball. Endo takes it and forces Santa Cruz to head out for a corner.

Chris Jones: Hey, philmatt, I bet on the Dutch to win the whole thing. I think Germany has a chance against Argentina, but Brazil looks very, very good.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda wins a free kick from Da Silva in the attacking third. Da Silva gets a stern lecture from Mr. De Bleeckere.

Jeff Carlisle: Speaking of sloppy, Ortigoza is stripped of the ball by Honda in his own half, leading to a dangerous cross that is cleared.

Chris Jones: This might seem like a nothing game, but neither of these teams has ever made a quarterfinal. Huge stakes for them.

Jeff Carlisle: Aside from that brief exchange of chances around the 20th minute, clear looks at goal have been scarce. This is looking like one of those first round games; cautious and a bit sloppy.

Chris Jones: I'm good with them, as long as the movie featured Woody Harrelson.

Jeff Carlisle: Dangerous cross into the box by Hasebe, but Bonet clears for Paraguay.

Chris Jones: CJ: Ice cold.

Jeff Carlisle: Honda won a free kick near midfield, and Tanaka kicked it straight to Villar. Tanaka must have the under today on goals scored.

Chris Jones: It's hard not to get excited about Germany v. Argentina, Jim. I think the over-under on goals scored is 14.

Jeff Carlisle: That was a good chance, and it was Honda of all people putting in a last ditch tackle on Santa Cruz forcing him to alter his shot.

ESPN Stats and Info: Lucas Barrios's 20th-minute effort was only his first shot on target of the tournament.

Chris Jones: Things that make me laugh. Quality observations. Things that are vaguely grammatical. Easy questions that I can answer to make me look smart. Notes of love or affection.

Jeff Carlisle: It falls in the box to Santa Cruz, but he fires wide!

Jeff Carlisle: Barrios wins a corner for Paraguay, Morel to take...

Jeff Carlisle: Plenty of numbers in the box for Paraguay, but the crosses are lacking in accuracy.

Jeff Carlisle: A wave as been started by this very festive crowd.

Chris Jones: I think they're pretty loud. England v. Germany had very few in the crowd, and I have to admit -- at risk of sounding like a colonialist -- that it was nice to hear some singing instead. It's all what you're used to, I guess.

Chris Jones: The Japanese fans are extremely pro-vuvuzela.

Jeff Carlisle: Another close call! Matsui's shot from distance clips the bar and goes over. The game is opening up.

Jeff Carlisle: Looking on the replay, not the best finish from Barrios. He hit it straight at Kawashima.

Jeff Carlisle: Almost! Barrios with a great chance but he's denied by Kawashima. Japan first to the rebound and clears.

ESPN Stats and Info: Lucas Barrios has scored in all three of his friendly appearances for Paraguay, but none of his three competitive ones.

Chris Jones: Tentative game so far.

Chris Jones: Yes, there's been rain in Port Elizabeth and Cape Town, but not up here.

Chris Jones: No, absolutely right, Brian. Fingers and brain, not firing. My stomach, though, is A-OK.

Jeff Carlisle: Neither team is particularly sharp at the moment. Lots of errant passes.

Jeff Carlisle: Yes, indeed Shane. Is your last name Murphy?

Jeff Carlisle: Murphy's Law being what it is, Abe hits the ball straight out of bounds.

Chris Jones: First really overcast day we've had here, by the way. Rain could come into play.

Jeff Carlisle: That said, I've been impressed with Abe so far. He's been winning a lot of balls in midfield.

Jeff Carlisle: Endo swerves in a free kick, it's half cleared to Abe, who kills the attack by handling the ball.

Chris Jones: I'm surprised he managed to finish the question, then.

Jeff Carlisle: Tanaka has yet to find the range on his long passes. That's another ball wasted by him.

Chris Jones: That's right, Joe. I see three of four, easily. Paraguay will play the winner of Spain-Portugal, so I'd call four a long shot. Still, pretty amazing for COMMEBOL.

Jeff Carlisle: Morel floats in a long free kick, easy catch for Kawashima.

Chris Jones: Apparently I missed a marriage proposal yesterday. I'm seeing all sorts of comments about a girl named Emily getting engaged. Any truth to these rumors. I'm a sucker for romance.

Jeff Carlisle: Santa Cruz has been stationed out on the right wing so far. A bit surprising given his great height, but Lucas Barrios has been in good form.

Jeff Carlisle: Japan's attack looks lightning fast, while Paraguay has been a bit more deliberate.

Chris Jones: That looked like it hurt.

Jeff Carlisle: Santa Cruz with a dangerous cross but it looks like Benitez got taken out by teammate Riveros. Tough landing, but he's okay.

Chris Jones: Sure, Ryan. I get half.

Chris Jones: I think Dan has had the most head injuries.

Chris Jones: I think Nakazawa has the tournament's biggest lid.

Jeff Carlisle: Cleared by Nagatomo.

Jeff Carlisle: That said, Paraguay have won their first corner of the match.

Jeff Carlisle: Japan definitely the more aggressive team so far.

Chris Jones: A combination of the two, I would say. Sawesome.

Jeff Carlisle: Komano tries his luck from distance , but Villar makes a comfy save.

Jeff Carlisle: Tanaka makes a surging run forward, but is finally stopped by the Paraguay defense.

Chris Jones: The Internet will explode.

Jeff Carlisle: OOH! Okubo strips Enrique Vera of the ball and whistles a shot just wide. Quite the start.

Chris Jones: He's young and virile, though.

Jeff Carlisle: And we're off.

Jeff Carlisle: Japan set to kick off.

Chris Jones: I think this might actually be quite a good game. I've really liked Paraguay so far in this tournament.

Jeff Carlisle: The referee is none other than Mr. Frank De Bleeckere, who officiated the US/Algeria match.

Chris Jones: Today, Jeff Carlisle (Carlizzel!) will provide play-by-play. I'm here for musical interludes and fashion critiques.

Chris Jones: No Leander today, who will bring you Spain v. Portugal this afternoon from Cape Town.

Jeff Carlisle: The photographers are scurrying to their positions behind the goal after getting the requisite team photos.

Chris Jones: The Japanese anthem sounds like the day Christmas died.

Chris Jones: The Paraguayan anthem sounds like Christmas.

Jeff Carlisle: Anthem time.

Jeff Carlisle: A giant Japanese jersey is being unfurled before us. Looks like it was washed in bleach.

Chris Jones: Japan

GK: Kawashima
D: Komano, Tanaka, Nagatomo, Nakazawa
M: Abe, Endo, Matsui, Hasebe, Honda!
F: Okubo

Chris Jones: Lineups:

Paraguay.

GK: Villar
D: Morel, Da Silva, Alcaraz
M: Bonet, Vera, Riveros, Ortigoza
F: Santa Cruz, Benitez, Barrios

Jeff Carlisle: And no, I don't know where Leander is.

Jeff Carlisle: Carlisle in the house. Or as Chris would say, "In the hoose!"

ESPN Stats and Info: Paraguay has lost all three of its second round matches in World Cup history, failing to score on each occasion. This is the second time Japan has reached round two, in 2002 they lost to Turkey 1-0 in the World Cup they joint hosted with South Korea.

Chris Jones: Apparently no one can see me. Like Billy Idol, I'm dancing with myself.

Chris Jones: Crazy. And they could have all four semi-finalists... COMMEBOL trumps all.

Chris Jones: And I've made my first typo of the day. Good times.

Chris Jones: Morning everybody, live from Paraguay and Japan. In the words my colleague John Brewin, "This is massive."