Testicles, hot dogs and the Golden Tapir
Off The Ball never rests in its mission to scratch around the underbelly of professional football to find the most bizarre, humorous and inexplicable stories.
This week, the president of Bolivia takes to the pitch and knees an opponent in the balls, Bundesliga club St Pauli install a hot dog train, Chicharito has a Mexican stand-off with an angry farmer and a contender for goal of the season.
Bolivian president knees rival in the balls
A commemorative exhibition match at La Paz stadium turned into a political nightmare when Bolivian president Evo Morales took exception to being hacked down by a civil servant and retaliated by kneeing him in the family jewels.
While still nursing his bruised testicles, political rival Daniel Gustavo Cartagena was sent off for the original foul and was then threatened with arrest.
Morales, who was captaining a side playing against a team of political rivals led by the mayor of La Paz, was caught on video running up to Cartagena and kneeing him in the groin - although we suspect he will avoid any retrospective punishment.
After the match, which ended in a 4-4 draw and with only 18 players on the pitch, Mayor Revilla said: "The president told us he has never lost a match."
Romario and Bebeto elected to congress
Last week, Off The Ball brought you the news that World Cup stars Salvatore 'Toto' Schillaci and Cuauhtemoc Blanco were trying their hand at acting - well, Brazilian World Cup-winner Romario has trumped them both by getting himself elected to congress.
Romario, who joined the socialist party only last year, was voted into Brazil's lower house of Congress in his first bid for office. We can only hope his vow to improve the conditions for many of Rio's poor children is more plausible than his claim to have scored 1,000 career goals.
Bebeto, a team-mate of Romario during their World Cup triumph in 1994 and the man responsible for that highly annoying baby celebration , was also elected, but to Rio's state Congress.
Off The Ball is already trying to arrange an international friendly between Brazil's political XI and Evo 'the testicle crusher' Morales' Bolivian team.
Chicarito's Mexican standoff with angry farmer
Manchester United striker Javier 'Chicharito' Hernandez was out-gunned and left in ditch by an angry farmer after taking a shortcut through winding narrow roads to the club's Carrington training complex.
The 22-year-old Mexican international's 4x4 came face to face with a farmer's tractor coming the other way and neither man was willing to back down.
"It's a single track road with ditches on either side," United youth team boss Brian McClair explained to the club's magazine. "The farmer had right of way but Chicharito was not for reversing until the tractor was about to drive over his car.
"He finally decided to retreat, nearly ending up in the ditch and then up a telegraph pole. The farmer was not amused."
Hot Dog train tempts St Pauli fans
Stop whatever you're doing and book a flight to Hamburg. Newly-promoted Bundesliga club FC St Pauli have installed a model railway that delivers freshly cooked hot dogs directly to fans' seats at their Millerntor-Stadion.
In a bid to tempt more people through the turnstiles, the German club have stationed a network of trains that haul their piping-hot freight from the club's kitchens to supporters throughout the game ... every five minutes.
Okay, so it's only in the VIP section, but those lucky enough to bag a golden ticket will also be treated to an individual beer pump to help wash down those delicious porkers and a flatscreen TV to watch replays of key moments from the live action.
Designer Mathias Mueller-Using described his brainchild as "a tribute to the club we love and its very special fans". Brat's certainly not the wurst idea in the world.
Balotelli wins Tapiro d'Oro for prison break-in
Mario Balotelli was presented with his second Tapiro d'Oro award - a Golden Tapir given to celebrities who have been involved in spectacular cock-ups by Italian comedy show Striscia la notizia - of 2010 this week after wandering into a women's prison and being interrogated by Italian police.
Manchester City striker Balotelli, who is back in Italy recovering from a knee injury, along with his younger brother Enock, were questioned by the Polizia after they drove through the open prison gates to get a closer look at the institution.
A guard at the jail in Brescia said: "We saw a high-powered Mercedes Coupe come through the gate with two lads on board, and after a few minutes we realised Balotelli was one of them. They were questioned for 30 minutes to get their details and by the end both were frightened."
After being presented with his second Tapiro d'Oro - the first came back in March when the then Inter Milan striker donned an AC Milan shirt - Balotelli said: "I told my brother, 'Do you want to see a prison?' Then I went in."
Video of the week
The words "Portadown" and "goal of the season" rarely feature in the same sentence but thanks to Mattie Burrows' extra-time winner against Glentoran, the Northern Ireland Premiership side have become an internet sensation.
With time ticking away, Burrows was introduced as a late substitute and, as the clocked ticked into the 92 minute, he scored this amazing goal to win the game.
Around the web