Off The Ball never rests in its mission to scratch around the underbelly of professional football to find the most bizarre, humorous and inexplicable stories.
This week, Getafe launch an erotic zombie movie to boost their fan base, Sporting Lisbon's Stijn Schaars swallows a fly, there's a renegade sound wave at Hoffenheim, Manchester United legend Bobby Charlton out dances ex-England cricket captain Michael Vaughan and a bloke makes footie shirts out of wet fag packets.
Hot zombies from Getafe
Last week Off The Ball was lambasted by a few humourless wretches for daring to broach the subject of Omar Arellano's little accident in the trouser department during a Mexico match. If you were one of those people then you should stop reading right now because this week Getafe have launched a saucy video called 'Zombies Calientes de Getafe', or Getafe's hot zombies, that will probably cause you to feint.
The tongue-in-cheek advertisement urges the Spanish club's depleted ranks of fans to donate sperm in order to populate the world with more Getafe supporters. The video depicts one donor who goes to a clinic and is inspired by a blue movie - shot in the style of a 1970s porn film and featuring zombie lesbians who are more undressed than undead - to do just that.
The general gist of the advert seems to be that if the donor is thinking of Getafe when he produces his sample any resulting off-spring are more likely to support the Azulones rather than one of Madrid's three other top-flight clubs. Madness or genius? It is a thin line.
Getafe are statistically the club with the least fans in La Liga and Zombies Calientes de Getafe is the latest in a long line of peculiar adverts - which have included fans laying eggs, a bodybuilding dwarf and a hairy-chested transvestite - to lure supporters to the club.
Renegade sound wave
Bundesliga side Hoffenheim found themselves in trouble this week after one resourceful and crafty individual rigged up a high-frequency sound system at their Rhein-Neckar-Arena in order to drown out the noise from visiting Borussia Dortmund fans.
The device was designed to emit a shrill pitch to irritate supporters and disrupt their chants during the match. Although it worked a treat and Hoffenheim won 1-0, the Borussia fans were not so impressed and complained to police, who investigated the incident.
Unfortunately for the not-so-cunning perpetrator he was caught on camera sitting in a tunnel immediately under the travelling fans' stand with a pair of headphones and a home-made wooden construction that included two speakers.
Although he is probably now a hero amongst his peers, disciplinary and legal action awaits, with Hoffenheim distancing themselves from the prank and denying any knowledge of how the equipment was smuggled into the ground.
There was a young Dutchman who swallowed a fly
Off The Ball recently touched upon the extraordinary lengths to which some players will go to in a bid to avoid being held responsible when things go wrong - including Fabian Giefer's concussion-inducing collision with Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting's knee - and Sporting Lisbon midfielder Stijn Schaars brought a brilliant new excuse to the party this week.
Dutchman Schaars put his poor performance during Sporting's disappointing 0-0 Europa League draw with Danish side Nordsjaelland down to swallowing an insect during the match.
"I immediately started to gag," Schaars told Sport-Promotion. "The trouble was that I couldn't get the fly out of my mouth. It was stuck in my throat. I tried at first on the pitch and when that failed I went to the side."
Schaars swallowed the bug in the 15th minute and after struggling along eventually grabbed his belly and slumped to the pitch awaiting medical attention. When the doctor arrived he administered a spider, which wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside the 27-year-old. "He swallowed the spider to catch the fly," the medic explained. "I don't know why she swallowed the fly."
Pennant in ear op whopper
Stoke City winger Jermain Pennant has joined the growing list of Premier League stars undergoing cosmetic enhancements but tried hide the fact he'd had an operation to pin back his ears by telling his family he had hit his head.
Pennant, who joins the likes of hair-transplant recipient Wayne Rooney and... er ... some others, was spotted coming out of a clinic in the Mecca of cosmetic surgery Harley Street with a bandage around his bonce in May, according to The Sun.
Ex-fiancée Lara Murphy suspected something was up but claims Pennant continued to deny he had had surgery on his prominent ears even when he eventually removed the bandage and they were "stuck to the sides of his head".
"But he continued to insist he banged his head and went to Harley Street to get it bandaged - as if you go to a place like that for first aid!" a source is quoted as telling The Sun. Apparently the three-hour op cost between £1,800 and £3,000.
Video of the week
This week's footage is one to watch again and again as Manchester United legend Sir Bobby Charlton does his best impersonation of Christopher Walken in Fat Boy Slim's Weapon of Choice music video as he clearly out dances ex-England cricket captain Michael Vaughan. To see Bobby Charlton strut his stuff click here.
More than words...
Aaron Biber, 89, is met by his favorite footballer Peter Crouch in his hairdressing salon which was damaged during the riots in Tottenham.
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