Play ESPN FC's World Cup Draw Bingo!

Posted by Iain Macintosh

Relieve the tension of the World Cup draw by playing ESPN FC's World Cup Draw Bingo! Simply divide the events below between your friends and score a point when they inevitably come to pass. Iain Macintosh predicts how the day will unfold.

- The first over-lunched football executive is caught yawning during an extended display of capoeira.

- Three hundred brightly dressed children bang more drums than you ever believed existed as hard as they can for as long as they can. Roy Hodgson hides under his seat, clutching his temples.

- An ex-footballer is caught inappropriately leering at a female presenter young enough to be his daughter.

- Everyone grins indulgently at extended slow-motion footage of children playing in the street with footballs made of rags.

- The first "Come on, FIFA! Get on with it!" messages begin to appear on Twitter.

- It's been five minutes since the footage of children playing in the street with footballs made of rags ended and still no one has asked why a tournament that generates such a large amount of money for so small a group of people shouldn't set some more appropriate targets.

- Sepp Blatter laughs uproariously at one of his own jokes.

- An anxious Roy Hodgson is caught rubbing his face so hard that his eyebrows catch fire.

- Sepp Blatter makes long, self-deprecating joke about the Cristiano Ronaldo impression he did in England that backfired so horribly. It backfires horribly. Again.

- Four out every five messages posted on Twitter now read: "Come on, FIFA! Get on with it!"

- Sepp Blatter appeals for silence, turns to the camera and mouths "I'm sorry, Cristiano."

- The pre-draw to determine which UEFA nation joins the African/South American pot is disrupted by protests when it emerges that France's ball is sat on a velvet cushion. In a separate bowl. In a different room. In Peru.

- One ex-footballer's feverish attempt to open a ball is brought to a merciful end by the intervention of a presenter and a pair of bolt cutters.

- Audible groan of anguish from Roy Hodgson when England are dropped into a group with Brazil, Italy and the USA. The distraught former Fulham boss rubs his face so hard that it falls off and he is forced to carry it back to the hotel in a pizza box. Nobody sits next to him on the train.

- The Group of Death to be awarded the official prefix: the Dreaded Group of Death.

- Sepp Blatter holds a boom box above his head and plays "In Your Eyes" at top volume while staring meaningfully into the camera, hoping against hope that Cristiano Ronaldo is watching.

- France are drawn into a group with Gibraltar, Yemen and Narnia. Sepp Blatter says it "sounds legit."

- Over a thousand light years from us, the advanced civilisation of a planet we know only as KOI-1686.01 pick up a stream of furious messages from a distant, primitive world. The messages read, "Come on, FIFA! Get on with it!" Silently, the people of KOI-1686.01 draw up their plans against us.


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