Video: Woodgate stars in baffling season tickets ad

Posted by Chris Wright

In his most epic dramatic role since his Real Madrid debut back in 2005, Middlesbrough enlisted centre-back and noted screen actor Jonathan Woodgate to help flog "early bird" season ticket renewals for next season at The Riverside by way of having the defender "star" (and we use that term in the loosest possible sense) in a short sketch, set in a local park, called "Woody's New Bird".

Along with defensive cohorts George Friend and Ben Gibson, Woodgate provides a tour de force in the central and titular role, as things start off surreal and stilted in the opening scene, before quickly becoming utterly baffling in the middle act as you begin to forget what you were being sold in the first place, before the whole piece ends with a positively swooning climax. Continue Reading...

Police issue Gareth Bale with speeding ticket for ‘reckless over-taking’ in Copa Del Rey Final

Posted by Chris Wright

According to Spanish television programme Deportes Cuatro, Gareth Bale covered 59.1 metres in 7.04 seconds before poking a shot past Jose Pinto to win the Copa Del Rey for Real Madrid at the Mestalla on Wednesday evening, with the Welshman's average speed on his dash up the touchline clocked at an impressive 8.39 metres per second.

To that end, the local police force in Valencia have since issued Bale with a mock speeding ticket, charging the Madrid winger with “reckless over-taking and crossing the continuous white line while exceeding the speed limit” in the act of scoring Madrid's 85th-minute winner. Continue Reading...

Hammarby midfielder Jan Solli receives strange yellow card

Posted by Chris Wright

Way back yonder in Toe Poke's school days, the "attacking goalkeeper" was a fairly common tactical approach in the playground, with many playing in said position semi-regularly choosing to implement a dribbling tactic known colloquially referred to as "jumpering," in which the cunning 'keeper would stuff the ball up his jumper and charge upfield past opposing players on the premise that his actions couldn't possibly constitute handball as the ball was being held aloft, not manually, but by clothing. Continue Reading...

GIF: Normal people attempt to jump as high as Cristiano Ronaldo

Posted by Chris Wright

Angel Martinez/Getty ImagesCristiano Ronaldo shows off his hops earlier this season.

Set up at a sports expo, here we see a physical test in which a football is dangled from the ceiling at the kind of height at which Cristiano Ronaldo is able to connect with the more impressive of his headers -- roughly 2.88 metres (9.4 feet!) off the floor. And we see a sequence of punters, mere mortals, attempting to pit themselves against the spring-heeled Real Madrid superstar in a bid to reach the same altitude ... and failing ... by quite some margin.

Very commendable that he still chose to use his head rather than his hands to make the save. Continue Reading...

Pardew blames local press for fans’ anger, Sunday Sun publish brilliant ‘apology’

Posted by Chris Wright

Having seen their manager exiled from stadiums nationwide for headbutting a player and their beloved side concede 24 goals in their last 11 games -- winning just once in their last six -- it's perhaps understandable that Newcastle fans are a little on the grumpy side at the moment.

Still, Alan Pardew chose to blame the negativity of the local press for the current air of unease among the Toon Army of late, which came to the fore once again when Newcastle slumped to a 1-0 defeat against Stoke City on Saturday -- presumably the press' fault too. Continue Reading...

Video: Falcao moved to tears by hysterical reaction from young fan

Posted by Chris Wright

Philippe Merle/AFP/Getty ImagesColombian striker Radamel Falcao hopes to recover from a knee injury in time for the World Cup.

Currently waylaid by a serious knee injury, Radamel Falcao took time out of his ongoing bid to return to full fitness in time to make it to this summer's World Cup by spending an afternoon meeting a few members of his young fan base, who had been flown to Spain from the striker's native Colombia in order to meet their idol.

Upon Falcao entering the room, one young fan, 13-year-old Michael Steven, burst into hysterical tears almost immediately after laying eyes on the Monaco striker, unable to rein in his emotions as he embraced his hero. Continue Reading...