As Sir Alex calls it quits, TP ponder 5 possible replacements

Posted by Chris Wright

Time to crack this bad boy open!
GettyImagesTime to crack this bad boy open!

After 26 long years in residence at the Manchester United controls, Sir Alex Ferguson announced this morning that he's handing in his gun and badge* and retiring from the force so he can undergo hip surgery in the summer and go about the rest of his life in peace.

(*We're not entirely sure Sir Alex pertains the right to bear arms around Old Trafford, but we're almost certain he's allowed to wear badges if he wants)

Anywhom, it's fair to say that Fergie will be leaving a cavernous void behind him at United which will eventually be filled by some godforsaken stooge.

While the likes of David Moyes and Jose Mourinho are being lauded till the cows come home as the only two real candidates for Fergie's soon-to-be-vacated shoes, TP thought we'd have a timely look at some of the outside favourites to take the most daunting job in the history of football ever...

5. Rafa Benitez... Oh yes, it'd be perfect; Ferguson replaced at Old Trafford by the last man to beat him there - on an interim basis of course. Rafa is probably currently planning a jamboree barn dance after hearing the news of his eternal tormentor's retirement, climaxing with a Fergie pinata which will eventually be rendered down into a cathartic mulch of papier mache, pink tissue paper, goatee bristles flecked with Sangria spittle and Rafa's own tears. This is a fact.

4. Harry Redknapp... Given that the man can somehow single-handedly decimate a football club when they've got no money to spend, just think how doolally 'Arry would go after being given access to the Scrooge McDuck-style vault at the richest club in the world: "Crouchy? Yeah, sign 'im up and give 'im whatever 'e wants. In fact, gild 'is paychecks with solid gold and pink diamonds for good measure - same goes for little Joey Cole." To say that a global financial meltdown and a return to bartering with pebbles and salt would be imminent soon thereafter isn't far short of the mark.

3 Sam Allardyce... Big Sam has bided bode baded bideded bade his time, waiting patiently in the wings for his shot at destiny at a club fitting for a manager of his capacious stature; passing up genuine (in much the same way the Rolex we bought from a Turkish market last year is "genuine") interest from the likes of Inter Milan and Real Madrid while lying in stasis over the years; watching...waiting.

Imagine a United side studded with the likes of Andy Carroll and Kevin Nolan (plus a few random names you vaguely recall from the 1998 World Cup). Impervious. Unstoppable. Beautiful. Allardyce.

2. The Mecha-FergZoid II... What better to replace Sir Alex than with a eight-foot tall mechanised version of the real thing; complete with lifelike bleeping nose LEDs and a computer-generated pathological disdain for fourth officials and their timekeeping skills. The first prototype self-destructed when it short-circuited and accidentally signed Bebe for £8 million during a beta test sequence, but we're assured that the FergZoid Mark II is almost 100% bug-free. Almost.

1. This Balloon... With his intimidating presence and explosive temperament, nothing and no-one, man nor beast, has ever put the fear of lucifer up Sir Alex and reduced him to a quivering puddle like this little chap...

Holy Moly, there's your man right there!

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