Newcastle deadline day (warning: may contain sarcasm)

Posted by Marc Duffy

Serena Taylor/Getty ImagesOutside of adding Loic Remy on-loan, it was a very quiet transfer window for Joe Kinnear and Newcastle.

09:00 Despite having been awake for hours courtesy of my youngest child, this is the first time I dare peek at the football news. Then again, there was no danger anything will have happened before now -- it's too early in the day for Newcastle to play the "we just didn't have time to replace him" card.

"Morning Alex, it's Joe........ Joe Kinnear, you know, I used to manage Wimbledon?........ Listen, do you fancy buying Yohan Kebab?........ What do you mean you're not their manager anymore?"

10:00 Sky Sports News claim that Newcastle have made an enquiry for Tom Ince. Can't see that one -- he's English AND he'd cost quite a lot of money.

10:46 A national sports radio station’s north east correspondent reports that "It's going to be a fascinating day up here," and closes the same report with "I don't think we will see anyone go or indeed anyone come in." Yes, fascinating.

11:00 As Joe Kinnear reached the fourth tee at his local golf club, Alan Pardew sits in his office drafting tomorrow's excuses for the fans including "Mike and Joe worked hard but just couldn't get them over the line", "This club won't be held to ransom", "We have a strong group of players" and "The supporters need to be realistic". Probably.

12:36 Nothing. Even Arsenal look like they'll be spending some money, but not Newcastle. Perry Groves says that he spoke to Joe Kinnear who claimed that agents have ruined deals the club lined up. Another excuse to tick off. Groves also told Newcastle fans they should be "careful what they wish for" after they signed "Isco" this time five years ago.

14:19 Newcastle are finally linked with a signing and, wait for it........ It's Jonathan Bond -- Watford's reserve goalkeeper. The St James' Park ticket office phone lines will be jammed with supporters frantically scrambling for season tickets.

"Hello Blackpool it's six-time manager of the year winner Joe Kinnear. I'd like to enquire about young Tom Ince. Is he well?.......... Glad to hear it. Goodbye."

15:10 Football agent Seb Ewen told TalkSport that two English clubs bid 12 million euros for Bafetimbi Gomis, the player held out for Newcastle but they wouldn't go that high.

- Report: Newcastle target Gomis set for Lyon stay

18:00 A pretend Telegraph journalist who supports Arsenal tweets that 'There is big, big news coming up for Newcastle fans'. Personally, I'm sceptical. And hungry. Very hungry. I should probably leave Twitter and various football sites and get some food -- it's not as if I'm going to miss anything.

I wonder what Shefki Kuqi is up to these days? He's at Hibs, so that rules him out.

I tell you what, deadline day was better when teletext was one of the only ways to find out about comings and goings. These days of numerous transfer mongering websites and social media 'ITKs', not to mention Jim White, make it an awful experience for supporters of a club with no ambition.

18:32 Minutes after writing that a Twitter account with 32,000 followers claims Liverpool have rekindled their interest in Hatem Ben Arfa. Nah, that won't happen.

21:13 Everton and West Brom apparently battling it out to land Romelu Lukaku on loan -- what a great addition he'd be for Newcastle. Unfortunately his surname contains too many syllables for Kinnear.

22:22 Newcastle have done it! A big signi.... My wife wakes me up. I'd nodded off at another of Niall Quinn's "when I was at Sunderland" yarns on Sky Sports News. 38 minutes to go.

22:26 Mesut Ozil confirms his Arsenal move having held out until half an hour before the deadline waiting for that call from Kinnear. Possibly.

23:00 And that's it. Nothing. Zip. Nada. No surprise.

Last season's 16th paced team end the summer transfer window as the only club in the league not to pay for a permanent signing and several squad players have left the club. A squad thin on quality remains so -- let's hope Papiss Cisse doesn't pick up an injury any time soon.

Surely even the few pro-Ashley supporters must be questioning his motives and ambitions now? Ashley likes to gamble and this is another one he could well lose.

Twitter: @MarcSDuffy

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